At first she sent me for blood tests to find out why I was overweight. I tried to tell her that it was because I eat too much, but she wanted to rule out all the things I've longed to use as an excuse over the years, like a hormone imbalance or a thyroid problem. Unsurprisingly, everything came back normal.
She tried to give me pills, but I told her I wasn't really interested in doing that. She then suggested a dietitian. Been there, done it, ended up telling the dietician her job. As a serial dieter from a young age, I'm pretty confident in saying that I don't know about diet and nutrition, isn't worth knowing. I know what I'm supposed to eat, I just don't want to eat it.
I said that what I'd really like was some counselling to address, not only the weight issue, but also the fertility problems and the stress I'm feeling at work. She told me that there is a 4 - 6 month waiting list for NHS counselling. Good one, NHS, another ridiculous hold up in my plan. Bearing in mind, I have little over 18 months now before I'm too old for an egg donation scheme.
By this time, I'd collapsed into tears again. My poor doctor, I think she sees it coming when I walk in the door. She asked me once again if I was depressed. I hate that term. I can't bring myself to let it apply to me. So of course I denied it. She then asked me if I felt it would do me good to have a couple of weeks off work. I told her that there was no way because I'm needed far too much and I've got too much to do. I think this clinched it for her and she wouldn't let me leave without a sick note.
So now I'm at the end of my first week off, most of which was spent on a holiday we already had booked. I feel like a complete fraud. I don't feel ill. I'm not even that sad at the moment. Of course I have the odd down moment and even a little cry now and then, but mostly, I'm completely normal. I think it's going to take a lot more than a couple of weeks of sitting around to make me 'get over' all the stuff I have going on. However, I'm noticing the stress seeping out of my skin in the form of cold sores, spots and the worst eczema I've had in years. I've also developed a cold and I'm still waking up in the night in sweats, so there is stress there, even if I can't feel it all the time.
It's clear that the NHS can't help me. I therefore need to try and get around all this stuff myself. I've got a week left of my time off and I'm going to make it count. I've found a free counselling service, so I'm going to get myself booked up with them. Hopefully it will help to get the root of my eating issues and address my current fertility related sadness. In the meantime though, I know I'm going to have to start on the weight problem on my own. Smaller portions and walking to the station instead of getting the bus, now that the weather is improving, should help.
I'm also going to do what one of my friends has been nagging me about for ages and go and see a financial advisor, to see what our options are with regards to raising some money. Frankly, money is extremely tight at the moment, so if we can free up a bit of cash for IVF as well as cutting our monthly expenditure, it will really reduce my stress levels. I'm not holding my breath that there's anything they can do to help though.
If I can get some sort of result out of all this, my two weeks off work will have been well spent. At least I would have put the time towards resolving my problems. My body certainly seems to be using the time to let the stress escape me in very unattractive ways, like the cold sore on my lip and the giant zit just below it - nice!
So watch this space, you know, the big, gaping, baby-shaped one in both my uterus and my life. (sorry - I couldn't leave a post without some over-dramatic self-pity)
No comments:
Post a Comment