Another brick wall

It's been a while since I posted any update on here. I've been trying to live my life without seeing the infertility issue as the be all and end all. We've been having lots of fun as a family and doing things like visiting theme parks and doing things that wouldn't be practical if we had another child.

I've also been losing weight and had just reached the point where they will actually perform IVF on me. This was a massive turning point for me because it was like I had regained some control on the situation. I had removed one of the obstacles that was standing between me and my dream. I therefore decided that the time would be right for me to look into removing the other main obstacle; the money.

I called my mortgage provider and asked how much we could borrow on top of our mortgage. Risky I know, but as we really can't afford any extra monthly expenditure, I thought a loan added to the mortgage and paid off over such a long time would be ideal. However, it turns out that, although all the houses in this area have kept their value or even increased in value, our house has lost around 7%, so not only do we not have any equity to borrow from, we're also close to being in negative equity. Things just seem to go from bad to worse.

This obviously set me back somewhat. I could feel the sadness that I thought I had put behind me creeping back and trying to overwhelm me. I kept trying to think of all the fun I'd been having and how great it would be to be able to carry on with no pesky breaks for having babies. I tried to think that the age gap between my son and any other children was so large now that it would be a bit weird to suddenly change the situation and that perhaps this had happened for the best. But as true as all this might be, it doesn't change the fact that we want more children and no matter how impractical this might be, it's just not a decision that can be made on practicalities. It's something that comes from the heart.

I couldn't let myself sink into the depression. So I'm not giving up hope just yet. We still have the option of taking out a loan and changing our mortgage to interest only to cover the payments. It's such a risk though. With our mortgage verging on negative equity and the economy not being very stable, it seems crazy to put ourselves into debt for years while not reducing our mortgage just for a single chance at getting pregnant. It's possible that we could pay the nearly £5000 and end up with nothing but debt to show for it. I might not even produce any viable eggs or they might not successfully fertilise any.

It's all such a gamble and one I'm not sure we're brave enough to take. However, it's still an option, and it's the only thing that's preventing us from having to face our future without any more children. I honestly don't know how to go about that one in the long term.