Sea Change

Something weird has happened to me. No, I'm not pregnant! I think I've worked so hard on trying to accept my life the way that it is and appreciate the things that I have that I've gone a bit too far the other way and I'm not sure I even want a baby now.

It started to occur to me the other day when my husband and I were lying in bed and doing our usual Sunday morning routine of fantasizing about what we'd do with our lives if we got up to discover that we'd won the lottery jackpot.

We were talking about the house we'd buy and the holidays we'd go on and what we'd buy for our son. It occurred to me that if money was no option, IVF wouldn't necessarily be top of my priority list anymore. We'd have a holiday to Florida at Christmas and then next summer, we'd spend the whole summer holidays touring around China, Japan, Thailand, Australia and New Zealand, then the summer after we'd do a big tour of America taking in all the theme parks and Hard Rock Cafes. When would we fit a baby into that? We couldn't do it with a baby, so my son would miss out and frankly, so would we. We didn't win the lottery, so perhaps it doesn't really apply, but it did make me realise that perhaps I do really like the life that I've got.

Perhaps the age gap between my son and any siblings is too large anyway. In five years, he'll be finishing school and we won't be tied to this area and can move wherever we like and do whatever we like. If we want to move to another country, we can. If we want to run a pub in the countryside, we can. If we want to run a bed and breakfast in the Lake District, we can. The world will be our oyster. Not so if we had a baby between now and then.

Plus, there's the practicalities of raising a child. We wouldn't have as much money and we don't have very much now. We don't know anyone in this area, so finding babysitters would be a challenge. What about school holidays? We can manage them now because I can send my son off to my mum's for a week or more at a time, but she can only do that because he takes care of himself. She's in her 70s and definitely couldn't cope with one or more baby.

I feel a very real sense of freedom now that I've accepted that our life now isn't as incomplete as I'd thought. Of course, if a miracle was to happen and I found myself pregnant, it would be wonderful and I'd quickly get very excited about it, but I no longer feel a desperate desire to find the money for IVF. If we did come across £5000, I'd carefully consider what we'd spend it on. A fantastic family holiday? A car? A very small chance of a baby that I'm not sure is now needed for me to feel that my family is complete? I'm honestly not sure.

Another brick wall

It's been a while since I posted any update on here. I've been trying to live my life without seeing the infertility issue as the be all and end all. We've been having lots of fun as a family and doing things like visiting theme parks and doing things that wouldn't be practical if we had another child.

I've also been losing weight and had just reached the point where they will actually perform IVF on me. This was a massive turning point for me because it was like I had regained some control on the situation. I had removed one of the obstacles that was standing between me and my dream. I therefore decided that the time would be right for me to look into removing the other main obstacle; the money.

I called my mortgage provider and asked how much we could borrow on top of our mortgage. Risky I know, but as we really can't afford any extra monthly expenditure, I thought a loan added to the mortgage and paid off over such a long time would be ideal. However, it turns out that, although all the houses in this area have kept their value or even increased in value, our house has lost around 7%, so not only do we not have any equity to borrow from, we're also close to being in negative equity. Things just seem to go from bad to worse.

This obviously set me back somewhat. I could feel the sadness that I thought I had put behind me creeping back and trying to overwhelm me. I kept trying to think of all the fun I'd been having and how great it would be to be able to carry on with no pesky breaks for having babies. I tried to think that the age gap between my son and any other children was so large now that it would be a bit weird to suddenly change the situation and that perhaps this had happened for the best. But as true as all this might be, it doesn't change the fact that we want more children and no matter how impractical this might be, it's just not a decision that can be made on practicalities. It's something that comes from the heart.

I couldn't let myself sink into the depression. So I'm not giving up hope just yet. We still have the option of taking out a loan and changing our mortgage to interest only to cover the payments. It's such a risk though. With our mortgage verging on negative equity and the economy not being very stable, it seems crazy to put ourselves into debt for years while not reducing our mortgage just for a single chance at getting pregnant. It's possible that we could pay the nearly £5000 and end up with nothing but debt to show for it. I might not even produce any viable eggs or they might not successfully fertilise any.

It's all such a gamble and one I'm not sure we're brave enough to take. However, it's still an option, and it's the only thing that's preventing us from having to face our future without any more children. I honestly don't know how to go about that one in the long term.

Egg Sharing

Having done a bit of reading, I've gone off the idea of getting IVF by taking part in an egg sharing programme. This means that it is a lot cheaper, but there are downsides that I hadn't considered.

Firstly, suppose I produce 10 eggs. Do I give half away leaving 5 for myself? Perhaps I only get one or two. Obviously the quality of eggs vary. Who gets the best quality eggs? The paying recipient or the person who can't afford to pay? I'd hate to think it's someone's job to make that decision, but assisted fertility units are businesses and of course their priority will be person who is paying.

Secondly, what if the cycle doesn't work? I wouldn't have any eggs on standby to give it another go. I'd have to find a way to pay again and go through the whole IVF process again. An arduous few weeks of daily injections and hormone fluctuations, then egg collection. At least if I pay for a full cycle, produce 10 eggs, use 2 and freeze the rest, I've got some in reserve in case it doesn't work, or even if it does and I want a subsequent child.

Thirdly, the thing I really hadn't considered, is that the government have now made it possible for children produced from donated sperm and eggs to trace their biological parents when they turn 18. So imagine 18 years down the line, I've had IVF, it failed and my husband and I have come to accept our life without children. Then someone knocks on my door and tells me I'm their mother. It would be heartbreaking to know that my eggs helped someone else to have a much desired child, but they couldn't help me.

I had thought about how wonderful it would be to donate my eggs to a couple who really needs it and I would still dearly love to do that. I'd considered the fact that there might be a child out there that was partly mine biologically and that didn't really worry me too much. However, I hadn't considered the possibility of the eggs I use not resulting in a pregnancy, but the ones I gave away creating a child.

I think I'd still consider donating any spare eggs once I felt my family was complete because I would dearly love to give some hope to a couple in the same situation as us. Until I've got my happy ending though, I'm not altruistic enough to give someone else the chance of one with my flesh and blood.

A treatable medical condition not available on the NHS

Things I could get treatment for on the NHS:

• cosmetic treatments like tummy tuck or boob job (provided I could demonstrate that it upset me enough)
• treatments for preventable diseases like lung cancer and liver disease (even if I was a heavy smoker or drinker)
• an abortion
• a caesarean (even if there is no physical need of one)
• gastric bypass (if I was dangerously overweight)

I'm glad I live in a country that has a National Health Service that pays for these things and doesn't prevent people from having these treatments. I know that people feel genuine anguish about their physical appearance and so for them, cosmetic surgery can make all the difference.

We all know smoking, drinking, casual sex, overeating and lots of other things are bad for us, but the vast majority of us do at least some of them in our lives. Most get away with it, but if I didn't get away with it and developed a condition that threatened my life, I'd absolutely want to get treatment for it.

The same goes for abortions. Some people just aren't in a position to raise a child and are making a sensible decision for the sake of the child, and some couples face agonising decisions about whether they can raise a child who has been diagnosed with abnormalities. Some poor women find themselves pregnant after being raped, and I for one know that I couldn't spend the rest of my life looking into the eyes of my attacker in my own child.

I'm not judging here, I had an abortion at the age of 17, which was absolutely the right thing to do. As well as the fact I was barely out of school, I broke up with the father about a year later and he has since died after suffering from a drug addiction for many years, so I know I made the right decision. However, I still think about how old that child would be and feel sadness about what I did. I'm not alone in this and, despite what the press seem to suggest, I think the majority of people don't take a decision like that lightly.

Even now, I still wonder whether I'd be capable of going through with a pregnancy if the child had an abnormality. I'm not sure I would, which must sound crazy to some people after reading about my desperation to have a child. Of course, it would depend on the type of problem and the severity, but I'm glad I'm in a position where the option would be available to me to terminate a pregnancy if I felt it was necessary.

The point I'm trying to make is that if a person needs treatment for any medical condition, they would get it on the NHS. It doesn't matter what circumstances surround why you find yourself in that position, the government have made provisions to ensure that no matter whether you are rich or poor, whatever your illness or condition, there will be doctors working on making you better.

My husband has a condition that can be treated, but he's denied this. This is because the government have inexplicably separated fertility treatments from all other forms of medical treatment. The worst part is that they've left it to the local PCTs to decide what they do and don't offer on the NHS. This means that if I lived in a different part of the country, we might get treatment provided regardless of whether I have a child or not. So we could just up and move, but here's the catch, I already have a child who is settled in a good school, we have jobs and a mortgage, so we can't do that. Not without causing a great deal of upheaval to the child we already have.

I think it's about time the government started realising that infertility is a treatable condition that should be included in the NHS. Of course it is expensive and would have to be restricted on the basis of number of treatments, age, health and weight. I also don't object to the fact that they have to satisfy themselves that you can provide a stable, safe home for the child. They can't do this with all children born in this country, but they can make sure paedophiles and abusers aren't bringing children into the world by IVF to be abused.

They might argue that they already offer a restricted service on the NHS, which of course they do, but they really need to remove the postcode lottery element. If nobody in the country was entitled to free IVF if there is already a living child in the relationship, I'd find it easier to cope with. Of course this doesn't take into account the need felt by the couple to expand their brood, but unless you've been there, I can see why that might not be considered important. I just wish treatment was fairly distributed.

Hmmmm, I can feel a career in politics calling!

Change of attitude

In the time I was waiting for the financial advisor to get back to me, a couple of things happened that made me change the way I saw things. They've resulted in me feeling a lot more relaxed and in control and therefore made me much nicer to be around.

The first was meeting a friend for coffee on the day before I was due to go back to work. This is a friend who has had more than her fair share of heartache when it comes to making a family. As a result she often talks about such things with a group of her close friends who have all had their own difficulties in making/carrying/raising children, as well as the relationship issues that so often go hand in hand with these.

Not only was she able to give me advice about how to approach going back to work, but she was also able to give me a contact number for a free women's health counsellor. She also suggested that I appeal to the PCT against their decision to withhold funding from me. She thought that I must have a case for discrimination against my husband. After all, if he wasn't with me, he'd be able to get funding. It does seem very unfair that independently, we'd be able to have children, but together we're prevented from being given the chance. I really feel that this is worth fighting for. Even if nothing comes of it, at least I'll know that I challenged the system and did all that I could.

So I left my friend feeling a lot more positive. I decided to pop into the book shop to see if the book I'd previously seen was in there. It was, so I bought it and that was the second thing that helped my change of mood.

It was a collection of 15 people's stories about their own struggles with fertility. Some had male fertility issues, some had female, some had unexplained issues, some had IVF, some suffered multiple miscarriages, but all ended up having children in the end. Most had more than one.

The theme of the book was that each of them got to a point when something changed in them. It was different for each person, but something happened; either they saw a counsellor who helped them uncover a secret fear of being a bad parent, or they took time off work (if only!), or they worked on their relationships.

The book made me really think about how I'm made up of more than my body, there's the whole mind, body and spirit trinity that adds up to me and each has an effect on the other. Bear with me, I know this sounds a bit hippy skippy, but it makes sense. For example, if I'm stressed, which we all know is an emotion, it takes a toll on my skin and I get headaches, which are physical symptoms. So therefore, couldn't the stress that I'm putting on myself about having a baby be affecting me in ways I don't even know about? And what about the stress I must be putting on my husband?

The other thing that the book highlighted was how all the women turned into horrible monsters who were obsessed with making babies. The sex between the couples became mechanical and the women were highly stressed and angry, taking things out on the poor men, who all seemed quietly supportive, but must have wondered what happened to the lovely women they married. I was reading the book and seeing myself and what I must be doing to my poor husband. I'm always snappy and tired and frankly I'm not nice to be around.

I don't remember finishing the book and consciously thinking that I'm going to do what they did, but I think it was a gradual realisation that dawned on me while I was reading it. I need to take the focus off a baby and be grateful for what I've got. Despite all of this stress, I've got the most amazing husband who has supported me and put up with my tears and tantrums and dropped everything to give me a cuddle, but it's not only about me and who has been supporting him?

So although I don't have the luxury of just giving up work for a bit, I can make an effort to reduce the stress that this causes me, and I'm determined to start leaving on time and saying no to things if I've got too much on. I'm also going to find time to enjoy the family that I've got. I don't want to be some bitter old woman who always regrets not having more children and ends up pushing the way the one she's got. My family have made my life wonderful for so long, and while the desire to add to that is still there, I know that I've got to relax about it all and if it happens it happens.

I heard from the financial advisor and he said that there's nothing he can do, but you know what? I'm not ready yet anyway. I'm going to call that counsellor and get an appointment to talk about the things that are bothering me. I'm going to lose weight, not to have IVF, but because I deserve to be healthy and I want to look good. I'm going to have fun with my family while I can and do all the things I couldn't do with a baby. I'm going to try and work with my husband to see if we can improve our financial situation so that we're not so stressed out about it. And I'm not going to put a time limit on when I need to have a baby by. Yes, a woman's fertility decreases after 35, but a lot of women have children later. My mum had me at 39. I'll fix the stuff in my life that I can fix and then maybe something will happen that will enable us to have that dream of a child together. Until then, I'm not wasting any more time feeling sorry for myself and putting my life on hold. I'm living my life.

Guilt

I've been feeling a lot of guilt recently for being so upset about what I don't have in my life because I do have an awful lot. I've got a wonderful husband who I love very much, I have a gorgeous, healthy, intelligent son, we own our own home, which is filled with nice things, I have a degree, a job and a great family, so really, what right do I have to be so miserable about life to be signed off work? I know a lot of people who don't have what I have, and I feel like they must look at me and wonder how I dare complain about my lot.

When I was young and thought about my life, I always saw it as being filled with children. I thought that when I found Mr Right, we'd be able to have children to share our love with. So the fact that I have a husband and a child, doesn't take away from the fact that my plans feel incomplete. I went through pregnancy and birth and raising a child, but not with him. I want him to feel the joy of recognising your own expression in your baby's face. Maybe I'm asking too much and I should just be grateful for what I do have, but perhaps it's harder to be that much closer to your happy ending, only to fall at the last hurdle.

Or maybe I should stop worrying about it and accept that something will upset you if it does and there's nothing you can do about it. As much as you should focus on the positives in your life, sometimes it's hard to do when they don't add up to the result you once wanted. You just have to learn to live with it eventually. Hopefully it won't come to that though.

Financial Advice

Well, that wasn't as scary as I thought. Of course that could be because we haven't got any answers yet. He's taken all of our details down and will get back to me next week with some options, if there are any available to us.

Now it's just a waiting game once again to see if we can have children together. If not, I really don't know what I'll do. Cry a lot I expect.