I think some part of me has accepted that it's unlikely that we'll ever have children, and as much as I don't want to give up hope, it's kind of a relief. It means that I can just move on and not feel that my life is on hold.
I still feel very sad every time I see a baby, either in real life, or on the TV. It's just a momentary wave of sadness though, and then I get on with my life. I wonder if this will last forever, or if I will ever feel genuine, unbridled happiness when I hold a baby and smell its head. I want to be happy for my friends and family members who have babies, and I am, but it's tainted by a hint of envy and that makes me feel like a bad person.
I want to speak to my husband about this and I still haven't talked to my son about it, but as hard as I try, I just can't bring myself to talk about it anymore. I get it in my head to say something and then I just can't face it. It's been hard enough to make myself write something on this blog. I'm just sick of my own moaning I think. I can't bear the thought of hearing my self-pitying whining about something I have no control over. How horrible to think so badly of myself!
I suppose I've realised that I have absolutely no control over this situation. I just have to let it pan out and no amount of talking about it or feeling sorry for myself is going to change that. Either we somehow come into the money and have IVF and hope it works, or a miracle happens and I just get pregnant naturally, or none of this happens and we only have to worry about putting one child through university.
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