Ideas

I have a crazy friend who lives on the other side of the world, but who has been refusing to let me give up. She's come up with all sorts of ideas to stop me sinking into a pit of self-pity and giving up on my dreams.

She's made me think about really radical things like moving house or selling all our things; anything to raise the money. She's also made me look into other options like adoption or even fostering. It's certainly given me food for thought and it really helps me to keep hoping.

It's been really hard carrying on with my life. Getting up, getting dressed, going to work have all seemed like enormous chores. I was thinking about why this was and I think it's because, to me, I always had those two children. Even though they weren't there yet, they featured in all of my plans for the future. I often thought about their names and what they would look like. They were real to me, not in a mental, walking down the road talking to them way, but in my mind, their potential was always there. By losing hope of having them, I feel like they're gone; those children that were mine have been taken from me. I'm not comparing myself to someone who has lost an actual child, that would be absurd, but I do feel a very real sense of loss. So I suppose it's understandable to want to go and dig myself a hole to crawl in and hide rather than sit at a desk and type. My husband has told me he feels the same way.

I have wonderful friends though and they have all been tremendously supportive. It's not just ideas, but simple things like emails and texts, or coming to meet me for lunch, or offering to take me for a coffee to talk. I owe it to myself, my husband, my son and my friends, not to mention those two potentials (who incidentally, at present, are two blonde little boys with curly hair and green eyes and who are called Edward and Henry!) not to give up until all avenues are exhausted.